Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The Cruelest Month

Nov. 13, 2005. The day my world ended. Dec. 13, 2005. I am still here, yet not.

It's been exactly a month, now, that I've been alone. I can't decide whether time has sped or crawled by; some of each, I imagine.

I feel guilty when I feel nothing. I feel guilty when I feel angry. I feel guilty when I forget to feel devastated. I hate happy people. I want to be alone in my misery; I don't want to be by myself.

I want to have fun and forget, for a few minutes, that my life is in ruins; I feel worse when I catch myself having even the faded resemblance of a good time.

I wear something of his every day. I am desperately afraid that I will forget what he looked like, how his voice was.

I am terrified that I am already used to being alone, even when other people surround me.

One of my lovely and wise commenters mentioned Donald Hall's poems about his wife's death. I write haiku in my head constantly now--the effort of compressing inarticulable feelings into a finite number of syllables is not soothing, but it is distracting.

I have never been a poet. I won't be one now.

I miss him. I miss my old self. I want the world to stop since he is not here to share it with me.
I still cry unexpectedly.

7 Comments:

At 3:44 PM , Blogger Ancrene Wiseass said...

I'm so sorry. Anniversaries can be truly awful.

 
At 6:17 PM , Blogger ABDmom said...

Without sounding too much like Frasier Crane, I'm listening, and I'm sorry.

 
At 6:18 PM , Blogger Badger said...

I just started reading Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking. It's very powerful and raw and not at all "self-help"-y. I don't know about you, but I'm not at all in the mood for "inspirational" fare, for folks (authors and/or friends) who say "you'll feel better." Perhaps I will. Perhaps I won't. But now, I just want to sob and sob and scream and grieve.

And eat chocolate.

 
At 6:29 PM , Blogger Yankee T said...

I'm sorry it's a month. I'm sorry it's so long, and so short, too. I wish I could help. My heart hurts for you. You and the little sweetie are on my mind, every day. Keep putting one foot in front of the other; it's all you can expect of yourself.

 
At 7:54 PM , Blogger bitchphd said...

I'm so sorry. Anniversaries are terrible things.

I don't think you will forget.

 
At 5:08 AM , Blogger MoMedusa said...

please don't feel guilty when you have a few moments of freedom from the grief.

 
At 6:01 AM , Blogger Bad Alice said...

A therapist would tell you you're feeling everything you should feel when grieving--isn't that a pisser? I'm sorry. I'm glad there are so many people looking out for you, listening.

 

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