Thursday, April 13, 2006

The Hardest Part

I'm frequently--okay, almost invariably--awake between 3:30 and 5:00 a.m. It's the time when I catch up on my reading, send myself emailed lists of "to do's," worry about where to send my daughter to kindergarten, obsess over the next pre-emptive strike, and weep for all the unadopted pets and children in the world.

From 5-6 a.m., when I wake up for good, I tend to have dreams that feel like real life, the kind of dreams that hang over into the day.

This morning, I dreamed that I was talking to my husband. It was just an ordinary conversation: what to have for dinner, which area of the yard needed desperate attention, what I wanted to read next. He was thin and fairly weak, as in the last six months of his life, but he was there.

And as always, I woke up, and his absence was another awful surprise.

When I got to campus this morning, a beloved friend (readers of Bitch PhD will know her as the fabulous Madame X) had sent me an email. It's been five months, today. Not long at all, and yet a lifetime ago.

8 Comments:

At 10:45 AM , Blogger Badger said...

Thinking of you, Dorcasina.

 
At 11:52 AM , Blogger snickollet said...

Five months. Sigh.

Sending you virtual support.

 
At 12:20 PM , Blogger OTRgirl said...

Sigh. Five months seems so long and so short all at once.

I enjoyed reading your life summary...

 
At 1:48 PM , Blogger Yankee T said...

Oh, Dorcasina. How could it already be 5 months? How could it only be 5 months? Sorry.

 
At 8:47 AM , Blogger grumpyABDadjunct said...

Anniversaries are hard. I'm sorry.

I was listening to a program on sleep that talked about how when people sleep 'naturally' they have a period of wakefulness in the middle, often called 'The Watch' - that sounds like what you are experiencing. It is supposed to be a very creative time in which we spend time linking the 'real' world with our dream state.

 
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At 5:26 AM , Blogger apparently said...

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