The Hardest Part
I'm frequently--okay, almost invariably--awake between 3:30 and 5:00 a.m. It's the time when I catch up on my reading, send myself emailed lists of "to do's," worry about where to send my daughter to kindergarten, obsess over the next pre-emptive strike, and weep for all the unadopted pets and children in the world.From 5-6 a.m., when I wake up for good, I tend to have dreams that feel like real life, the kind of dreams that hang over into the day.
This morning, I dreamed that I was talking to my husband. It was just an ordinary conversation: what to have for dinner, which area of the yard needed desperate attention, what I wanted to read next. He was thin and fairly weak, as in the last six months of his life, but he was there.
And as always, I woke up, and his absence was another awful surprise.
When I got to campus this morning, a beloved friend (readers of Bitch PhD will know her as the fabulous Madame X) had sent me an email. It's been five months, today. Not long at all, and yet a lifetime ago.
posted by Unknown @ 9:32 AM
6 Comments:
Thinking of you, Dorcasina.
Five months. Sigh.
Sending you virtual support.
Sigh. Five months seems so long and so short all at once.
I enjoyed reading your life summary...
Oh, Dorcasina. How could it already be 5 months? How could it only be 5 months? Sorry.
Anniversaries are hard. I'm sorry.
I was listening to a program on sleep that talked about how when people sleep 'naturally' they have a period of wakefulness in the middle, often called 'The Watch' - that sounds like what you are experiencing. It is supposed to be a very creative time in which we spend time linking the 'real' world with our dream state.
just found your blog. keep writing. you will feel again.
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