Monday, January 15, 2007

Desperation and Rage

1. We have been basically housebound since Weds. because of bad weather. No school, no childcare.
2. My classes start tomorrow, but because I have had my daughter here full time, my syllabi are not ready. They are predicting bad weather again tomorrow, which may mean that she has to stay home again tomorrow. Talk about Catch-22: is it better to show up for class meeting #1 without syllabi, or to miss one's first day of class entirely because one has no childcare, thereby concealing the fact that one's syllabi are not ready?
3. No one has called to see how we are doing, offer to take my daughter out, or just break up the cabin fever. I am trying not to take it personally, especially with respect to my inlaws, but I am ready to scream and shout.
4. I am feeling bored, desperate, and completely alone.
5. The weather is going to require several expensive new home chores. Which I can't afford.
6. The pets need several services (teeth cleaned, check on medication). Which I can't afford.
7. My cars suck in this weather.
8. The final straw? Like a good girl, I downloaded the automatic software update for my laptop/airport. It appears to have made it completely impossible for the airport/internet link to function--at least without yet another in the series of impossible passwords my husband used to set the system up over 1 1/2 years ago. I solved the frayed/incorrectly ordered/out of stock power cord problem. I reset the Admin password on my own computer, which my husband had also set up (and which was not one of the multiple passwords of his with which I was familiar; I tried each of them at least 29 times). But this latest problem involves too many elements that I simply do not understand and that cause my throat to tighten up, my shoulders to clench, and my eyes to fill with tears.
9. I suddenly have much greater empathy for Jack Nicholson's character in The Shining. And for every single parent out there. If I, from my position of relative ease, comfort, and privilege (we have power, heat, videos; we can get out to run short errands; we have seen several friends over the duration) feel so overwhelmed with frustration, rage, despair, and impotence, what must it be like for the many, many others who have so much less?
10. I miss my husband. He could have solved 1,2,4,5,7, and 8. And made the others seem far less burdensome.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR. Time for some deep, cleansing breaths. And a stiff drink.


At 7:08 PM , Blogger Snickollet said...

I'm so sorry. I wish I could say or do more. I've been handling childcare mostly on my own due to an increasingly ill husband, and I, too, have been feeling isolated and alone. You are in my thoughts. I wish I lived near you. I feel like we could help each other, although our sadness might just be too much to bear.

At 9:16 PM , Anonymous Menita said...

I am so sorry. I wish there something I could do to help.

At 10:09 PM , Anonymous critter said...

Call the in-laws and ask for help? You need a break...if not that stiff drink.

At 11:24 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

some alone time, stiff drink, a little help, I agree. Sucks to have to ask for it, but it's better than not getting any at all. I with that there was something those of us out here in the blogosphere could do, if there is, name it. In the meantime, hope you are getting all the hard hugs we're sending you.

At 8:35 AM , Blogger diana christine said...

dear dorcasina,

a major magazine is looking for three mothers to feature in its may mother's day issue (including one to feature on its cover) and you came to my mind. the story is on mothers' struggles for work/life balance (to include financial struggle) and will feature 3 mothers between 30 and 42 with a child/children under the age of 13. you are the first person who came to my mind because of your beautiful awareness of the world around you and within you and your exquisite way of expressing it to the rest of us. if you are interested (or have a friend interested), i would love to put you in touch with the magazine (and i'd love this compensation for you). please contact me through my site. you are welcome to delete this comment once you have read it.

i wish you many blessings, all blessings.

diana christine


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