Tuesday, September 27, 2005

In the club

This one.

Not one I wanted to join. Not ever. I am so very, very sad, and afraid.

26 Comments:

At 2:54 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

So so sorry.

 
At 2:55 PM , Anonymous New Kid on the Hallway said...

Oh, Dorcasina, I'm so sorry.

 
At 3:04 PM , Anonymous leslie said...

My experience with hospice is recent. They were wonderful - utterly honest, helptful and compassionate. But needing them is utterly wretched - I'm so very sorry.

 
At 5:12 PM , Anonymous ehj2 said...

Oh Dorcasina,

Everything I've ever wanted to write has already been written far better by someone before me.

And all I can offer today was written by Mahatma Gandhi. "Everything we do is futile, but we must do it anyway."

And contained in an Irish Proverb. "It is in the shelter of each other that the people live."

I have nothing to be but my shared pain.

There is a notion in biology of a "keystone species." It is a member that is vital to the balance and harmony of the entire ecosystem around it. I am so sorry you are losing a keystone member of your beautiful family. I am so sorry.

When I am alone in the woods with my bike after many hours, the insubstantial veil between me and the world thins and sometimes vanishes. In those moments the gold comes pouring in and I know, I experience directly, the connection of all nature and all people.

I do not know why we do not feel this way all the time. I do not know why we must walk in pain alone. But I know that both states are equally true.

We are completely connected to the entire fabric of the universe and were cocreators of the cosmos long ago. And we are also simple fragments of dust on a small blue planet spinning at the edge of an unremarkable galaxy.

Over the years I have collected almost all of Diane Ackerman's poetry and prose. In her sacred exegesis "A Natural History of Love" she writes, "Love is the white light of emotion. Art is the prism that sets that free." And further, "As a society, we are embarrassed by love."

In fact, we are embarrassed of all powerful feeling.

No one is ever accused of "thinking" too much in this culture, but it is common to be told one is "feeling" and expressing those feelings too much.

I've learned to turn toward my feelings like wind and feel them full on. To look at them as closely as any thought that sweeps across my consciousness.

There is no such thing as feeling too much. As Diane Ackerman writes in The Moon By Whalelight, "There is a way of beholding nature that is itself a form of prayer."

And the part of us that God needs the most is the part which feels and loves, like a prayer.

I know a quote from Hugh Prather that often sustains me. "Walk straight into the peace of God. Don't look back. Don't ask if you are there yet. Just keep walking."

I am so sorry.

Tenderly, respectfully, sorrowfully, anguishedly, prayerfully,

/e

 
At 6:55 PM , Blogger Elizabeth said...

Here listening.

 
At 10:02 PM , Blogger Clancy said...

Here listening too.

 
At 10:59 PM , Blogger timna said...

I'm so sorry to hear.

 
At 8:05 AM , Blogger Philoillogica said...

I don't know what I can say except that I'm here, and I'll stay until the words come.

 
At 10:50 AM , Blogger Yankee T said...

Dorcasina, I am so sorry. I wish I had something to offer besides compassion.

 
At 1:37 PM , Blogger ABDmom said...

Oh, God, Dorcasina. I am so sorry. I wish I could ease your burden in some way. I am so very sorry.

 
At 2:56 PM , Anonymous drh said...

Echo what leslie said - its terrible to have to need hospice, but they are wonderful at what they do, and try to make this time as "easy" as possible.

my thoughts are with you

 
At 10:49 PM , Blogger Demetri said...

Just I'm sorry and listening and here.

 
At 8:07 AM , Anonymous Marguerite said...

We are here with all of our love & our hands & our hearts.

 
At 8:14 AM , Blogger Lonely Londoner said...

I am so terribly, terribly sorry, Dorcasina. I am literally crying for you.

I wish I could take your pain away or give you hope, but all I can give is love and thoughts and words that are far too small.

 
At 10:59 AM , Blogger Aunt B said...

I don't know what to say, either, except that my thoughts are with you. I'm so sorry.

 
At 11:04 AM , Blogger Phantom Scribbler said...

Another witness with you. I'm so, so sorry.

 
At 5:24 PM , Blogger jo(e) said...

I know well how tough it is to put someone you love into hospice care. It's one more step on a very difficult journey.

I am thinking of you and crying for you.

 
At 12:56 PM , Blogger bitchphd said...

Oh, I'm so, so sorry. As Leslie said, hospice is a wonderful and helpful organization, but needing them is absolutely awful.

Please let us know if there is anything we can do besides keeping you and D. in our thoughts.

xoxoxox

 
At 4:41 AM , Anonymous mindspin said...

Before his death of cancer, Raymond Carver wrote a few lines titled simply "Late Fragment":

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.

You cannot change what is coming, and there is no more helpless feeling, but there is a greater gift you have given and will give, to the uttermost. That's what you can do.

 
At 3:26 PM , Anonymous ehj2 said...

i don't know what commitment looks like in this environment for this community.

all our prayers and dreams are for you. behind this is more than words.

i hate this. to see is to acknowledge. i hate this. but to know is an obligation.

God, Dorcasina, we love you so much.

be the path you were designed to be. walk into that. hold it even as it shakes around you and the shattered lights splay into gold around you.

i've been there.

just hold on.

/e

 
At 8:21 PM , Blogger Cheeky Prof said...

I'm coming late to this, but just wanted to tell you how very sorry I am.

 
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