Monday, July 2, 2007

Free to Good Home

One-time only offer!

One 4.5 year old girl, with less than 20K miles.
This is the upgraded, import version, featuring:

*Sturdy digestive system, developed by time spent on the floors of third world country.
*Airport friendly: has already traveled from China-U.S., and multiple domestic travels.
*Healthy appetite: no known allergies or sensitivities. As a bonus, she enjoys most vegetables!
*Completely housebroken, except when she's "too busy" to make it to the bathroom.
*Self-bathing, with moderate supervision.
*Excellent weeder, chopper of vegetables, and stirrer of batter.
*Skilled dog-wrangler, cat feeder, and laundry folder.
*Literate: can decipher most 3- and some 4-letter words.
*Accounting skills: Can count to 20-14, addition between 0 and 10.
*Artistically skilled--cottage industry possibilities.


Minor defects include: Occasional bouts of surliness, inexplicable willfulness, and a non-debilitating addiction to "Angelina Ballerina" and "Thomas the Tank Engine." Video/DVD library included.

This child has had all vaccinations, regular dental and medical check-ups, and has been cared for impeccably (okay, maybe a bit too much chocolate milk). With a diet of gruel and hard labor, she can certainly go another 250K miles and care for you lavishly in your old age.

Apply below.

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6 Comments:

At 10:23 AM , Blogger Julia said...

tempting, tempting...
But I am afraid that as part of this application process my house would get checked for how you say it... ahem... putting things in own places? yes?... and I would certainly fail right then and there.
Plus, you didn't specify the return policy. :)

 
At 10:48 AM , Blogger OTRgirl said...

Not fair! You're making me laugh in my temporary cubicle. It's making me seem unprofessional.

Funny to read, though it sounds like your weekend may not have been...

 
At 3:04 PM , Anonymous MindSpin said...

I think what you're really looking for not so much your outright sale as your timeshare arrangement ;->.

 
At 3:55 PM , Blogger Dorcasina said...

Julia,
She's very good at the "putting things in their own places"--like things 1 & 2 in the "Cat in the Hat" cartoon.
No returns, no exchanges. One per customer.

OTRG,
Not really that bad...she was asleep for at least 19 hours of the weekend!

Mindspin,
Yes, timeshare. You get 23 hours a day, and I will gaze lovingly at her perfect, beautiful face as she sleeps. Okay? Or you can have 50 weeks, and I'll take 2.
This is why children need two parents--so one can take over when the other is ready to abandon them (or put them in a nice roomy box with air holes and ship them Back to Chairman Mao....)

 
At 6:29 PM , Blogger Prof Mama said...

If anybody's interested in a two-for-one deal, I have a not-quite-four-year-old I could throw in. :)

 
At 6:38 AM , Blogger Snickollet said...

I'm happy to do a swap for a few weeks: one set of one-year-old twins for a 4.5 yo girl . . . just to see what it's like to have a verbal, willful child instead of two nonverbal, somewhat willful children. Could be interesting.

And Dorcasina, YES, a hearty YES as to how nice it would be to have a second parent for the rough patches. Well, for the good patches, too, but especially for the rough patches.

 

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