I think I lied
At least about how I am more functional single than I was married. Okay, I am, but only because I have to be. Even on sabbatical (don't hate me), I feel besieged by the pressures of everyday adult life: what to cook, how to find time to shop, when to get the oil changed, how to schedule my appointments, how to choose a kindergarten for my beautiful daughter, how to get her suit to dry between swimming sessions, where to find the time (and money) to get her a haircut, when to find the time (and money) to buy dog food, rabbit bedding, cat pills. Then there are the "big" things--the utilities bill (250$ this month; and the heating oil bill was twice what it was last time), some ridiculous change I have to make in my retirement deductions, the 300$ hole in my checking account, the badly peeling paint on the north side of the house, the articles I have to write this semester if I have any hope of keeping my job/getting tenure, the articles I have to write this semester...(as above).I am SO TIRED of having to make all the decisions--big, small, in-between--by myself. How grown up am I going to be before I stop hating myself for all my failings? Am I ruining my daughter's chance for a healthy, sane, happy life by allowing her to creep into my bed almost every night? Am I ruining myself by sleeping much better with her warm, damp, increasingly leggy and squirming self in the bed than I do by myself?
Labels: boundless self pity, I suck
posted by Unknown @ 3:22 PM
3 Comments:
I don't think any of that is in any way not understandable. Especially the last part. And I really don't think you are ruining anyone. At some point she won't need it, and she won't come.
Good luck with the articles. But I think it's ok to give yourself a little break on getting to them-- you are obviously not sitting on your ass doing nothing in the meanwhile. On the other hand, I know that the articles are much like exams when you are a student-- there is always a feeling that one more day of writing (studying) would've been just the ticket.
As someone who has been a long time single parent, I totally understand what you are saying--being tired of all the responsibility, being worn down by all the decisions, worrying about money. But you can do it--and you are doing it, one day at a time, because that's all that anyone can do.
Hugs and best wishes.
Buy a second swimsuit. Problem solved.
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