I think I lied
At least about how I am more functional single than I was married. Okay, I am, but only because I have to be. Even on sabbatical (don't hate me), I feel besieged by the pressures of everyday adult life: what to cook, how to find time to shop, when to get the oil changed, how to schedule my appointments, how to choose a kindergarten for my beautiful daughter, how to get her suit to dry between swimming sessions, where to find the time (and money) to get her a haircut, when to find the time (and money) to buy dog food, rabbit bedding, cat pills. Then there are the "big" things--the utilities bill (250$ this month; and the heating oil bill was twice what it was last time), some ridiculous change I have to make in my retirement deductions, the 300$ hole in my checking account, the badly peeling paint on the north side of the house, the articles I have to write this semester if I have any hope of keeping my job/getting tenure, the articles I have to write this semester...(as above).I am SO TIRED of having to make all the decisions--big, small, in-between--by myself. How grown up am I going to be before I stop hating myself for all my failings? Am I ruining my daughter's chance for a healthy, sane, happy life by allowing her to creep into my bed almost every night? Am I ruining myself by sleeping much better with her warm, damp, increasingly leggy and squirming self in the bed than I do by myself?
Labels: boundless self pity, I suck
posted by Unknown @ 3:22 PM
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