Et al.

Turn about is fair play

Since I spend much of my time bitching about my in-laws, and what a disappointment they are to me, it seems only fair to report that last weekend we saw most of my husband's family, and for the first time since shortly after his death, I was not left with a big hard knot in my throat. On Saturday, M-i-L and one set of aunt-uncle-cousin-cousin arrived to take my daughter to the zoo. I am not a big fan of zoos--in fact, I hate them; even the nicest ones seem sort of awful, and always have at least some poor creatures languishing in small, dirty cement cages. So I got to stay home and do NOTHING while they toured the zoo. Then I met everyone for a late lunch, at which no one said a nasty, critical, or evangelical word. I still think one of my nephews is a proper turd--always demand a snack, never says thank you, and invariably has to announce that the snacks at my house (granola bars, crackers, pretzels, fruit bars, fruit, dried fruit) is "Weird" because I don't keep soft drinks or store-bought cookies around. (I eat such crap; frequently. But I am very good about giving my beloved child relatively healthful options).

But this is a happy story.

After the lunch, they departed....taking my daughter with them for an overnight at Grandma's. Yep. I had a Saturday night off, while my daughter had a sleepover with her girl cousin (exactly one year older). They played in the hose. Grandpa read them books (cute photos). They visited an organic farm and got purple carrots and cantaloupe. They baked and decorated sugar cookies.

I went to dinner at a lovely, simple, bistro-type restaurant in Previous City with a colleague. We had a cocktail. We had corn chowder with vaguely Middle-Eastern flavors. We had creme brulee that melted on the tongue. We had wine.

The next morning, I read the entire Sunday paper without a piping little voice asking, "Are you done yet, Mama?" every 17.5 seconds.

I was terribly lonely for my little girl. I loved being lonely for her.

I drove to in-laws' house on Sunday evening, after a quick stop at the nearby Giganta-Mall for jeans (I was, miraculously, successful. I have two new pairs, and they are different. Woo Hoo). We visited a bit (in-laws have been gone since June 1 for an annual trek), and had dinner with the other S-i-L (her little girl was the cousin who shared the slumber party. If you are keeping track, the other one is known as The Fundie and this one is Ms. Bossypants.) We had a very nice conversation, joined together to tease my F-i-L for a bit, and talked, a bit excessively, about real estate markets (in this family, "How're your finances?" appears to be a code for "I care about you and want to know how you are, but that would be too personal, so let's talk in abstracts about our financial growth.")

Anyway, it was nothing special. Just an ordinary weekend with....family.

Labels: happy endings, in-laws

posted by Unknown @ 3:27 PM 7 Comments

What do you say, dear?

My MIL called, somewhat out of the blue, to invite my daughter and me to lunch. Actually, I think she was expecting me to be sick, and was going to offer to take my daughter out for a bit to give me a break.

Very nice.

Obviously, we don't see the in-laws much (read, at all) since my husband's death. I can count our interactions on the fingers of one hand...and that's in 18 months (how can it have been so long? That seems unreal). So this was a nice gesture, and following my basic principle, which is "if they make an effort to see us or include us, accept if it is humanly possible," I accepted. So what if the papers didn't get graded for an extra day? My daughter needs to know these people, who can presumably tell her about her father (that is, assuming they will).

We had a very nice visit. Daughter was cheerful and loving and chose a special picture for Grandma. Grandma brought some books that were Papa's when he was a boy. We went to my favorite lunch spot.

Where my mother-in-law said, apropos of nothing, "You need to get married again."

In principle, I can't disagree. I loved being married, although I strongly suspect that had an awful lot to do with the fact that I adored my husband and pretty much enjoyed being around him every moment--which is not, given my cranky, crabby self, my typical reaction to lots of togetherness.

But I can't get past this eagerness on the part of my husband's family to set him aside and move on. It feels as though he has been erased; not only as if he is gone—okay, there's a certain reality in that—but as if he never was, and as if the momentum has to be all forward, all the time, with no space for nostalgia or remembering.

My plan is to do what I can to bring him with me, as my daughter and I move forward. It will never be enough, to be sure, but it's better than the alternative. I can't do it their way.

Labels: in-laws, speechless

posted by Unknown @ 7:08 AM 10 Comments