Saturday, October 6, 2007


Contra T.S. Eliot, April is not the cruelest month; Noctvember, this long month leading up to my own personal d(eath)-day anniversary, is. Since the weather began to turn, I find myself constantly melancholy. I cry in the car (again; or is it still?) I long to wear my husband's old sweater and watch. I took out my engagement ring and put it back on (I wear his and my wedding bands, together, on my left hand. The engagement ring, much as I love it, felt frivolous and sad. But I missed it. Like I miss him. I wonder if there will be a time where he's not the first person I want to talk to; the one whose advice I seek; the one whose help I need so badly. If such a time does come, it will be all the worse, because it will mean I'm leaving him behind.

A friend has offered to set me up with a divorced man she knows. It's the first such offer I've had. I said "yes," because I am so lonely, and feel so incomplete. But I worry that I'm only looking for the man I had. No one else will be that gentle, that funny, that droll. How could they be? And how can I see past the person they are not, to catch even a glimpse of something else?

We decorated our house for Halloween. We have 6 strings of metallic spiders on strings draped around. Next weekend: the pumpkin farm.



At 4:56 PM , Blogger Julia said...

This is heart wrenching. And beautiful. It's fucking unfair that you had so little time together.

At 7:44 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm trying to think of something new but the sentiments seem to be all the same and no more comforting in repetition. i'm sorry. its not fair. it sucks. i can't beliver the roller coaster that has been your life for the last few years. i'm sorry. i cry because he is gone too.
know that you were, and are, beloved.

At 1:52 PM , Blogger OTRgirl said...

I'm so sorry. I had seven years where I was depressed from December 6th through January 6th (my mom was very into the Christmas season). Lots of moodiness and lots of tears. I called no one and didn't want to deal with life.

You still have my sympathy. I'm sure you know this already, but there's nothing wrong with you for 'still' being so sad. You're only in your second year of loss. It still IS fresh, no matter how many people think you should be 'over it'.

It's brave of you to accept the date, and it's ok if it's too soon.

At 10:51 AM , Blogger Yankee T said...

Beautifully written and heartbreakingly sad. And totally understandable. The wearing of the sweater, watch, and ring are so poignant.
You can go meet the divorced man without any expectation that it would be anything more than finding good company. You will never replace him-how could you? But to have someone to spend time with and talk to and bounce ideas off would probably be great. You can do all that without being unfaithful to Mr. D's memory.
I'm still so, so sorry.

At 5:51 PM , Blogger Kitten said...

After reading your blog, I feel like you may be the best person to answer a question I have. My mother passed away very suddenly on October 18th, leaving my father, brother and I. Your words are both beautiful and honest. I am afraid that my father (who is all alone now, both my brother and I live away) will become depressed and emotionally withdraw. I would like to write him a letter. What would you want your daughter to write to you in such a time?
Thank you,


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